Around North America in 83 Days Cancer Family Grief Positive Living RV Life Travel

Must See Stops 4: Zion National Park Day 36 of 83

March 3, 2019January 11, 2020 Our Class Cee Life #ANAin83D, #grievingbutbreathing, #healing, #missinghim, #mourning, #roadtrip, #roadtrip2018, #rvadventure, #widow, #widowblog, family, grief, livinginthemoment, loss

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Introduction: John and I had plans to travel. We had plans to find a way to become full-time RVers, but in reality we knew that this would probably have to wait for retirement due to his medical conditions. When he was diagnosed with angiosarcoma cancer in May 2017, he ended up being trapped in a hospital room for 83 days. He was admitted for six different hospitalizations in four different hospitals in three different cities before unexpectedly dying in the hospital on Oct. 5, 2017. You can read about the day he died Part 1 and Part 2. I then made Big Plans to take a trip to the places we had wanted to go and see together. For months I planned the trip: an 83 day trip in my RV with my two youngest daughters, almost 14,000 miles around the United States in 83 days! Each day would take back a day that was stolen from John in the hospital. This is one of 10 stories from my “Must See” destinations.

John and I loved being outdoors, seeing the country and just being in nature. At his funeral, so many people commented that most of the pictures of him were outdoors and this was something that had never really registered with me before. We had planned to take some major trips during the summers of 2017 and 2018, touring as many national parks as we could because we loved the national parks AND… we would have free admission! In 2017 our third daughter was a fourth grader and in 2018 our youngest daughter would be a fourth grader. Fourth graders can get a free entry pass for them and their family to all national parks and lands through a program called Every Kid in a Park. When making my plans, I really didn’t know much about Zion National Park except that it was yet ANOTHER national park in Utah. I had no desire to go … until my oldest daughter told me that it would be her number one national park destination.

So, I checked it out. And after learning about just one hike that was available, I decided that not only would I have to stop there, but it would now be added to my 10 Must See Locations. A trip for ME. Most of the destinations on my list were for both John and I, but this one… and a couple of others yet to come… were for ME.

While on the road, I wrote weekly letters to John about what we were doing. I did this for the first half of the trip and then I stopped. I stopped because after Zion National Park, I hit a stretch of destinations that was emotionally so difficult for me, I couldn’t even write about it. I think that my letter to John about Zion says everything. Here is my Dear John, Week 6 letter:

(More photos at the bottom of the letter)

Dear John,

The week started with our trip in Zion. I wanted to hike The Narrows. I wanted to hike IN the river with 2,000 foot cliffs surrounding me. I researched the hike and learned the very best way to do it. Early in the morning. Before the crowds. Before the heat. The day we did the hike was day 36 of the trip. It marked the day we drove you back to Mayo for the clinic appointment with a sarcoma expert. You had a temperature, and the clinic told us to go to the Mayo ER first in order to get checked out before going to our hotel (we decided not to take CeeCee, it was too hard for you to get into her, you were too weak.) When we got to the ER we were thrilled! For the first time, all of your vitals were normal! That had NEVER happened. They did an x-ray and saw some fuzziness in your lung – previous hospitalizations had determined that it was slight fluid build-up from inactivity due to being in the hospital for 35 days. But, I’ve now learned that ERs don’t read the notes from previous hospitalizations. Neither do ICU wards. They treat only what is immediately in front of them – which I understand, but I think that this shouldn’t be so black and white. Anyway, they decided that they wanted to keep you overnight for observations, which messed up our clinic appointment, but I planned to deal with that in the morning. Alicia and I left you to go and check into our hotel and get something to eat – ER snacks weren’t cutting it and our tummies were complaining. You were fine. Better than any previous ER visit.

We were gone for less than 2 hours. I called before leaving the restaurant to return to you because I had a weird feeling that something had happened. Nothing had. The nurse said that you were stable and watching Food Network Television. Classic. So we headed back, joking about how even with no real symptoms, you were again being admitted. We joked that you were being admitted because the nurses always thought you were sweet and cute and probably just wanted to keep you around. Then I walked into your ER room and stopped dead in my tracks.

First, I heard the alarm, screaming in terror from the monitor, and I looked up at the numbers. Your blood pressure and heart rate were at numbers I had never seen before. There were no medical staff in your room despite the blaring alarm. You looked at me, with an oxygen mask over your mouth – that hadn’t been there before – and asked me with pleading eyes, “What’s happening?”

Mayo Hospital Sundeck. Dreaming of getting OUT.

My own heart started fluttering and racing, “I don’t know, but I’ll find out,” I told you and quickly walked up to the nurses station where your nurse stood very calmly looking at some papers. “We are aware of what’s going on,” she told me, “we are working on it,” she said so calmly that it both put me at ease to know that she wasn’t freaked out and scared the crap out of me that THIS didn’t shock her. They put you on a breathing machine and immediately your blood pressure settled down. Then, of course, a simple observation room was out of the question. You were taken to the ICU. This began what would be your longest hospitalization. You were there for over 30 days, stayed in three different hospitals, and I had to leave you for most of one day in order to drive home to get CeeCee so that we could afford to stay there that long. We were left with No Nothing.

So, as I put my feet in the cold river water of the Virgin River and began hiking in the coolness beneath the towering cliffs, I smiled. As I realized that the smile was creeping into my cheeks and eyes, I began crying.

I cried because I was happy. I was truly happy. I was enjoying life. And I cried because I was sad; because I instantly wanted to share this moment of my life with you, standing beside me.

The Narrows…. one of my first truly happy moments.

At the campground near Zion, we met Gina and her family. Gina works at the hotel and lives at the campsite. The littles found her kids and started playing with them, and then of course we started talking. Instantly, we felt this connection, like long lost sisters which neither of us had ever had growing up. After only a few hours, she offered to cook for us after we returned home from the hike. We ate what would have become your favorite meal… bacon wrapped hotdogs topped with fresh tomatoes and grilled onions. It tasted a lot like a BLT – and you would have been addicted to them. We sat, after supper, while the kids played in the pool and talked about our lives and just shared.

Alena and Kady swimming with Gina’s son and niece and nephew.

She offered to take us to a special swimming hole the next night and wanted to cook some shrimp ceviche for me. I almost fell out of my chair. She had no idea how many times you had said that you wanted to try ceviche, but I was never sure about cooking with lime juice, so we put it off as something we would eat on a trip someday. For me, that someday was here.

Gina forgot to lessen the spices, so I got the full strength version. And…. I loved it! Yes, it had some heat to it, but not the kind of heat that melts out the back of your throat and leaves you gasping for a cold gulp of milk with every bite.

Authentic shrimp ceviche! SO GOOD!

“It’s just that warmness, it heats up your mouth but leaves you wanting more because it’s so good!” Gina had said. And that was exactly it! I agreed with her as I filled my bowl with a third helping. Now I know what ceviche tastes like. Authentic, home-made ceviche that I can try to mimic someday.

She took us to the swimming hole, and the kids played on the rope swing, and happily jumped from the rocks as we soaked our feet in the cool waters of the Virgin River, several miles from the spot where my feet were in the same water the day before.. It had been a brutally hot few days, and the shade of the trees surrounding the river, plus the cool water swirling around my feet, gave me some idea of how the people who live in this heat survive it. Gina agreed, you get up early and get things done during the coolness of the morning, and then hide during the afternoon heat if you are able to. Once the sun has lowered in the sky, people emerge and enjoy the outdoors until late in the night as things cool off slowly. I liked the rhythm of these days, and of course it helped that I didn’t have to work during those hot hours of the day like Gina and her family did.

A beautiful afternoon at the swimming hole near our campsite.

I sat between Gina and her mother in the river. Her mother, who spoke little English, smiled and shook my hand when Gina translated for her why I was on this trip alone with the three girls. As the kids misbeheaved or wanted our attention, the language barrier was invisible as Gina’s mother and I understood each other as women, mothers, and as human beings. We were able to communicate with one other with knowing glances, smiles and giggles. It reminded me of when you and I were in Germany and Tante Annemarie told her sons in German, “You don’t need to tell me what Kristyn just said. We are women. We understand each other.” This was the same language.

The next morning, you could feel the weight of our sadness as we drove further and further away from Zion, from Springdale, UT, and from our new friends. We would have loved to have stayed much longer, but I also knew that it was time to move on. So we went to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon.

Love you forever,

Your Trucker.

Here are a bunch of pictures from my time in Zion. It is a place that I would love to go back to, and I hope to meet Gina again.

If you would like to go RVing, here’s Everything You Need To Know!

If you, or someone you care about is dealing with grief, here are some tips for coping with grief from people who are dealing with it themselves!