5 Things I Have Learned Since Becoming A Widow #1 Bullet Journaling
In the early days of grief after my husband died, I struggled just to breathe and to survive each hour, and then each day. I did only what was absolutely necessary and left a lot of the rest. My house was a testament to this as the carpets were not vacuumed. And I have pets. After the meals that friends had brought to us were all eaten, the refrigerator was bare. I did little to support myself through my grief other than living in the moment. This is common in early grief, and as time moves on and the world continues to function without your person, I’ve noticed that those left behind seem to have two basic choices. One choice is to curl up in bed forever and wait for your day – which some people have chosen to do, or to start finding ways to manage life without your person. If you are one who has decided to get up and make that pot of coffee and find a way to keep living some kind of life that is now completely different from anything you had planned or expected, it will be important to find the type of grief support that works best for you.
There are five major things that I learned after my first year of becoming a widow. In this series of grief support posts, I will share one of the five things with you. I’ll be honest, these tools aren’t exclusive to widows or widowers, they are tools used by all people to cope with daily life and also to help through times of trauma or intense stress. This week we will focus on the one that became my biggest lifesaver…. Organizing my new awful life in a bullet journal.
The First Thing I Learned: Organize, Organize, Organize
After my husband died, I became the master of the family schedule. Instead of telling John that the “change oil” light had come on in my car, I had to call and schedule my own oil change, arrange for someone to pick me up at the auto shop and take me home so that I could use my other vehicle. At the end of the day, I had to schedule my other car for an oil change so that I could swap vehicles at the auto shop parking lot and then arrange for someone to bring me there the next day to retrieve that vehicle. Yes, I could have gone to a “jiffy lube,” but my auto shop has serviced my vehicles for years and I trust them. Trust is a huge thing. They take good care of me. But scheduling a basic oil change was now on MY plate. And John wasn’t there to help with the drop off or pick up. It was all up to me.
Struggling to Manage Schedules
Added to the car maintenance tasks, every other thing was now also mine to manage. Alone. With the schedules of two active kids and what is called “widow brain,” it all adds up to one pretty frazzled lady! After school programs, sports practices, sport team games, dance lessons, dance recitals, my own activities to preserve what little of my sanity was left, plus the demands of keeping the house in good order, meal planning, doctor’s appointments, snacks for school, field trip permission slips, laundry, yard work, the entire list was now only mine to manage, and I was struggling with all of it.
Things at work weren’t much better. Meetings were taking me by surprise. Testing windows for my students, lesson planning, I felt behind in every area and I needed a solution, fast! It took me almost a year to find my solution – a bullet journal! Traditionally, a bullet journal is a combination of scheduling for the future, recording the past and aspiring for the future. The beauty of a bullet journal is that it can be as much or as little as you want it to be. It can become artistic and creative, or it can be functional and minimalistic, it is completely up to you. I started with an empty journal that I had laying around the house.
The Bullet Journal
The act of creating spreads (the term in bullet journaling for completed pages) became very therapeutic for me. I am NOT an artist; I watched tons of hours of YouTube videos where planners would create the most beautifully artistic spreads and I knew that this would never be me. I accepted my limitations and got started blocking out my future log, my monthly spread and a few weekly spreads. I carried my first bullet journal with me everywhere and found myself using it. A lot! Before bullet journaling, I was a huge fan of Google Calendar, especially because it was a great tool to share calendars with others. John and I had access to the same calendar so it was perfect for us to use together in planning and scheduling. Now, as a widow, Google Calendar wasn’t working for me because the notifications came too close to the the event and I wasn’t able to see things that would be coming up in the next week until they were right there in my face.
For example, I would manage to get up and fight through a day of work, pick up some instant supper mix at the store, get the girls from daycare and arrive home exhausted and needing a nap before making supper. As soon as I would pick up the girls, one of them would remind me that they needed a lunch for a field trip the next day. Well, remember what I told you about my refrigerator? Yeah… without shopping I could send her on the field trip with a boiled egg, a bag of popcorn, and her water bottle. I needed to go back to the store. There was no one else that could do it for me. After picking up the lunch, calling it another cereal night and crawling into bed with exhaustion, my google notification would then alert me that I needed to prepare a lunch for tomorrow’s field trip. Not helpful! I wasn’t able to see what was coming ahead in order to plan better. I lived like this for months before the bullet journal saved me. With annual, monthly and weekly spreads I can now see what is coming up the next week, put the tasks I need to do on my schedule for the week and not be taken by surprise. BRILLIANT!
The other great thing about bullet journaling appeals to my frugal side. It is CHEAP! Sure, you can spend hundreds of dollars on markers and pens, expensive planners and trinkets, but you can also choose to buy that $.0.99 notebook at the Back To School Sale and grab that free pen that accidentally came home with you from the auto shop. You can plan elaborate spreads or use the basic minimalist style, it is YOUR journal. Do what works for you, and over time the way you use it will probably change as you find new things that it can be used for.
To learn more about the method, HERE is a basic five minute video from Ryder Carroll, the creator of the bullet journal method.
And here is his book, if you are interested in that.
Our ClassCee Life is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, this means that if you purchase an RV cooking tool linked on the page, Our ClassCee Life may receive a small commission. This will not affect your purchase price. Thank you!
My Bullet Journal Routine
One morning each weekend, with a fresh cup of coffee sitting next to me, I create spreads for upcoming weeks and months as needed. Then, I look at the upcoming week and make sure that all of the events from my future log and monthly spread are also recorded in the upcoming week. I also double check my Google Calendar (yes, I still use it because now the notifications aren’t irritating because my bullet journal has prepared me for them. The notifications serve as a reminder and I can look at the notification and smile, knowing that I’m finally on top of it!). I make sure all Google Calendar events are also listed in my bullet journal and then I begin to look at the weeks ahead to see if it would be helpful to schedule a task this week to be better prepared. This process usually takes anywhere from thirty minutes (one cup of coffee) or a few hours if I’ve decided that I want to create spreads for the future (a pot of coffee). Then, I’m done with the big work for the week.
Each morning, I check the weekly spread to see what tasks need to be done and as I complete them, I get to fill in the little task box. Done! There is tremendous power in filling in each little box and that power became a motivator for me to get things done! Called to schedule a dentist appointment, fill in the task box, done! Send out that e-mail to my financial guy, fill in the task box, done!
During each day, if something came up that I was asked to do or discovered that I needed to do, I would pull out my bullet journal, find an appropriate time to complete the task and it was done and out of my mind until the time came where I needed to do it.
I’ll use the oil change story to explain more of the beauty of the system. If you have watched the video you will understand three of the basic features of a bullet journal, the future log, monthly spread, and the weekly spread. So, I’ve just completed the last oil change and want to set a reminder for the next one in three months. In the past I would put something in my Google Calendar and then three months later it would tell me that I need to schedule it. With the bullet journal, I look at my future log and go to the month three months from now. I’ll pretend that it is now June. I would find the space for September, make a little task box and write, “Schedule Oil Change” and then forget about it. On a weekend where I’m planning out my weeks, I would refer to the future log, see that I have “schedule oil change” listed for September and then I would add it to my September monthly spread on a day that worked best. Once September arrived and I began creating weekly spreads, I would again list “schedule oil change” for a day during that week where it fit best into my plans. When that day arrived, I would call and schedule the oil change, referring to my bullet journal to see when my schedule would allow it. Much less stressful!
Need to schedule the same task every month, like giving your dog heartworm medication? The bullet journal makes it easy as I can add those monthly tasks each time I create a new monthly spread and know that it will transfer to a weekly spread when I get there!
Bullet Journaling As Grief Support
I will say this again and again – there are no rules to bullet journaling! Use the parts you want, don’t use the parts that seem like they will not meet your needs. Spend time creating your layouts after being inspired through a search of what other people have done (YouTube has a ridiculous rabbit hole, time sucker amount of videos showing amazing people creating spreads and also some regular people, too!). Print off some free printables (there are several on my Pinterest board so follow me! Or do a search of your own!). When it comes to creating the “right” bullet journal, I turn to the words of Tripper from Meatballs, “It just doesn’t matter!”
It doesn’t matter to anyone other than YOU! Do what is right for YOU and don’t worry if your bullet journal doesn’t look like the professional artists’ examples that you have seen. Here are some ideas that you could chose for your bullet journal, other than the future log, monthly and weekly spreads. These are the ways you can support yourself through grief or trauma.
Habit Trackers
There are many ways that you can use a bullet journal as a tool to help with supporting you through difficult times. Whether you track your mood, anxiety, or you track your self-care, habit trackers are a great way to monitor the things that are important to you. There are tons of free printables out there to help get your started!
Collections
Collections are pages that keep different ideas together. Instead of writing a daily gratitude on your weekly spread, you could create a gratitude collection page where you make a list of the things that you are grateful for. Or you can write these somewhere else, or not keep this type of collection at all. Remember, there are no rules!
You can also dedicate space to collecting inspirational quotes! I set aside a few pages and every time I run across a quote that seems powerful to me, I jot it down in my bullet journal in my quotes collection. When I need a quick “pick me up,” I can open to that collection and be inspired by those words again and again.
Gratitude Journal
I mentioned this earlier, but didn’t go into detail. Gratitude journals are also very popular in the bullet journal community. It’s a great thing to be able to find a small moment of joy in each day, especially when you are going through intense trauma and grief. During those times the darkness can be overwhelming and it may seem like there is nothing good happening. I bet that if you search through the day, you can find one small moment that brought even the slightest joy. Record it. Reflect on it. Smile again when you think about it. I’ve been in the trenches of trauma and grief, and I tried hard to do have a mental gratitude journal each day
A gratitude journal can be a collection (meaning they are kept on a separate page of your journal) or they can be embedded into your weekly or monthly spreads. It just doesn’t matter, the point is that you are working to find something good about each day.
Writing Prompts
This may seem surprising, but I don’t like writing prompts. I like to write, but I prefer to just tell a story rather than to write about a specific topic. Some people don’t consider themselves writers, and maybe this is true of you! You don’t have to fill a journal with pages and pages of handwritten reflections on a topic. There are other ways to help you express yourself and move forward with your grief. Click here to learn 9 easy ways to get started with a journal if you are not a writer.
If you like writing, there are a ton of resources that give writing prompts to help you focus on different topics. Again, pick what you want, ignore what you don’t want because there are no rules!
Be sure to follow my bullet journal board on Pinterest where I continuously add free printables, layout suggestions, doodle inspiration or anything else that I find which could be inspirational to bullet journaling. These may help you get started as you might feel overwhelmed at the start. There are free monthly spreads, weekly spreads and habit trackers among other things.
Yet another resource to help with recording your thought an feelings can be found at Journaling Tips for Survivors of Abuse and Trauma
Bullet journaling has become THE most important tool I found after my husband died. It saved my sanity, reduced anxiety, and gave me a place to focus my ideas in developing this website to help others! I hope that journaling, whether it be a bullet journal, a written journal, or a collection of pictures and quotes, helps to bring you the same peace that it has brought to me!
If you, or someone you care about is dealing with grief, here are some tips for coping with grief from people who are dealing with it themselves!
Disclaimer
Our ClassCee Life provides general educational information from someone who has experienced great loss. You should not substitute information on the Our ClassCee Life website for professional advice.
Did you like this post? Be sure to find the red subscribe button on the website, usually located on the sidebar or at the bottom of the post and sign up for my emails! I share a weekly email that is different from what you get to read about on this website! Join today!
Click on the links below and follow me on Social Media! I share regular updates on what we are up to!
Check out my Pinterest Board for Bullet Journaling! There are some links for free printables!
5 Things I Learned Since Becoming A Widow Series
- Organize, Organize, Organize
- Positive Self Talk
- Be Gentle With Yourself
- Facing “The Monsters”
- Distract Yourself
