My Husband’s Birthday – AFTER He Died – Year Three
Year Three
When John was diagnosed with his first cancer, I set up an account on CaringBridge. This site is an online tool that people often use to communicate about the medical challenges that someone is facing. Each time I would post, followers would receive updates. This meant that I had to contact fewer people.
When John was diagnosed with his second cancer, eight years later, he told me that he didn’t want to use Caring Bridge. “It’s a place where people write about someone dying. I don’t want you to write about that. I want you to write stories, I want you to start a blog.”
We talked about it some more. For the millionth time he told me that I was a good writer and that I should write a book. “But I don’t know how!” I told him.
“It will happen,” was all that he said
At home, between chemo treatments for his second cancer, we sat on the couch and planned. We planned trips in nature, we planned to camp, and we planned to travel. We planned to do these things in ways that John could manage while he went through chemo treatments.
Our travel trailer was too difficult for John to get in and out of, so we purchased a new motorhome. This would allow John to spend as much time in nature as possible. The tumors of his second cancer, angiosarcoma, were in his right knee and they were extremely painful. We needed a motorhome that was self-contained. After days of searching online, I found the perfect rig. We piled into the car to make the two day trip to go and get it.
John sat in the passenger seat of the camper on the way home. He quietly watched as we drove through the rolling hills of northern Michigan. It was peaceful. It was calm. It was the closest thing to normal that we had experienced in the weeks since his emotionally and physically exhausting hospitalization. We were happy and content. Then, at almost the exact moment we looked at one another and said,”For a few minutes, I forgot all about the cancer!” It was a rare moment of normalcy. It was one of our last moments of pure normalcy.
Once home, we were back on the couch, coming up with names for the website I would create. John wanted the website to be fun, uplifting, and have no negative connection to his cancer. Our new motorhome was a Class C style motorhome, and we used that fact to play around with words and phrases until he came up with a great name. A Class C Life! We instantly loved it! A Class C Life fighting cancer with chemo while camping and cooking, etc! We giggled and giggled about how clever we were!
People in the RV community often name their rigs, so that was our next task. It came quickly. It was obvious. We had a Class C motorhome, and wanted a Class C life, so her name just had to be CeeCee! And, the website name became Our ClassCee Life!
Sadly, John spent very little time in CeeCee. We took a few day trips where John would nap in the back bed with the windows wide open. He would lay quietly to listen to the forest sounds as the smell of pine trees and warm earth wafted through the window. But ultimately, CeeCee became more of a home away from home for my family. We stayed in RV parks or parking spaces for RVs each time John became hospitalized two to five hours from home. We did this for the next several months.
After he died, I kept my promise and kept writing. After a year of working on the website, it was clear to me that I didn’t know what I was doing. Writing was a lot of work, promoting my stories was a lot of work, and my audience was shrinking. I was ready to give up, just like I was ready to give up on my 83 day trip in the first few days on the road. My feelings of wanting to give up on the trip appeared in a guest post for Cancer Road Trip. I told myself that if anyone ever saw those words and repeated them back to me, it would be a sign that I should keep going.
I felt a new life towards writing because of that guest post. I decided that I couldn’t give up without having given this an honest effort. So, I dedicated the next summer to learning exactly HOW to do this. I became invested in learning precisely what to do and how to get my audience to grow. I followed the rules to the best of my ability, and I waited. Almost immediately, my website began to grow, very slowly. My website grew and new members started following. Those members shared the feelings of grief, shared the feelings of the power of nature, or felt inspired by the stories I wrote.
Soon it was my husband’s birthday again.
I sat in my recliner late one night, tired from another long day. The days during the “safer at home” orders” of the global coronavirus pandemic became exhausting. Each day I found myself extremely busy working from home, teaching my girls, cooking and cleaning. I was getting ready to go to bed, when I checked my phone one last time.
I had received a message from a stranger. Curious, I opened it and felt this surge of excitement. Joy. Happiness. A broadcast journalist asked me if I would be willing to be interviewed for his video platform. He explained that his show, called ‘Your Story’ – focused on interviewing people who had overcome great adversity. He wanted me to share my story because he felt that it could be helpful to others. I responded right away and found myself so excited that I couldn’t sleep most of the night!
The next few days I scheduled and prepared for the interview. When we met on Skype, it was clear that he had read much of what I had written. He quoted from several of my stories, and then he quoted something that I had written when I was ready to give up. He quoted the exact phrase that I told myself would be a sign that I should keep going.
Who will even know or care if I don’t do this?
I wrote these words hoping that one day, they would be repeated back to me.
Then, he leaned forward, looked me right in the eye (as best as one can across a Skype platform) and told me,
“Your words are beautiful. Keep writing.”
And I knew. I knew that this was my third birthday present from my husband on HIS birthday.
Once again, I feel that I have a renewed sense of life towards working on my website, writing, and even self-publishing! Thank you, Rory! I feel like John was right when he said, “It will happen.”
I don’t know why John would choose to give me such huge gifts on HIS birthday each year. My own birthday passes with little notice, but he clearly wants me to remember HIS birthday. And I do.
I cannot imagine how he could top this gift, just as I couldn’t imagine how he would top the others, but I will wait a year to find out!
Here are the stories of the first two years of birthday gifts my husband gave to me, on his birthday, after he died.
If you, or someone you care about is dealing with grief, here are some tips for coping with grief from people who are dealing with it themselves!
