This is NOT the Post That I had Originally Planned

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I had all of these great ideas for tonight’s post. I was going to share my favorite tools for cooking on the road, or I was going to write about the first day of my trip, ,or I was going to write another story to give you some background of who I am.  But….

There is something else that’s been eating at me for a few days and it won’t go away. It won’t stop nagging at me until I get it out – so here it goes.

Friday, it will be one year. It will be 365 days, or 8,760 hours, or 525,600 minutes, or 31,536,000 seconds without him. Yes, I like to play with numbers! I’ve been – without. Without. Him.  I knew that this day was coming, it’s on the calendar every year. I knew that it would hurt as the anniversary approached and I even knew that this could cause a set back for me where I could be glued to my bed again. But I also knew that I would get through it. And I will.

So here I am. The school that I teach at is off this week. We have a new schedule this year where we started earlier and will work later into June, but we will have a week off now, and other longer breaks throughout the year. Several months ago I planned to take this “shut down” week at work to do something that I had been putting off for a long time. It initially seemed like the perfect distraction. But now, after spending 12 hours of physical and emotional work going through my mother’s storage shed and my own storage shed… after sifting through two lifetimes of “stuff” left behind. After spending so much time looking at the things that once were meaningful to two different people, both of who are gone, I’m left wondering… why aren’t I following the advice that was given to me by so many people?

It’s the kind of good advice you usually get from a Redbook or Good Housekeeping magazine, but I ended up getting it from several caring friends which is good because I don’t buy magazines, and the knitting magazines I usually read don’t have life-altering advice columns.  My family, friends, and even people who I hadn’t met in person kept repeating this advice to me over and over again. And these two pieces of advice that I was given are so completely opposite of each other that I almost had to laugh when people would say it…. but it’s true.

1. “Be gentle with yourself.”

After John died, I absolutely needed to take care of myself. More than I had thought that I would. Having dealt with loss my entire life, I thought I understood what losing a spouse would be like. I couldn’t have been more wrong! I remember talking to my cousin over the phone a few days after John died. She had lost her boyfriend only a few months before and she asked me,

“Does your body hurt? Literally hurt? Not like your heart is broken, but do you feel actual physical pain?”

I did. For a long time. So had she. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to move, and it hurt to sob and wail. It felt like my insides had been ripped out, every inch of me literally felt the loss. I hadn’t felt that when my father died, or my grandmother, or my mother, my mother-in-law, father-in-law, cousin, or the countless other relatives that I have lost over the years. This hurt paralyzed me, and it hurt for a long, long time. It was like a festering, infected wound that very slowly…. very slowly scabbed over. It didn’t really heal as much as it covered itself with a thick protective scab that I can still touch and feel today. I can still find that spot that ached, and touch it. But now it doesn’t hurt in the same way that it did, it is numb….. it gives me a weird sensation when I touch it…..sometimes feeling numb and sometimes sending jolts of shock throughout my body. When I touched that aching scab of pain today, I noticed that it seems to be opening up a bit and seeping again. And, if I’m gentle with myself…. in time… it will slowly close up and reform that scar again. That scar that I can show for the rest of my life. The scar that tells the story of the grief I hold from the death of my husband.

And then there is the other advice. The advice that seems to be the yang to the ying of the first advice. The polar opposite, I feel.

2. “Step Out of Your Comfort Zone.”

What? How do you step out of your comfort zone while being gentle with yourself? That’s the craziest piece of mumbo jumbo ever! But…. it’s true! And it’s how I’ve been living my life,  especially lately. I call it something different though, I say that I, “Walk Into The Mouth Of the Monster!”  I find the monster that seems scary to me, and I acknowledge that it is there. I think of myself as the lion tamer. After I acknowledge that the monster is there, I look at it, and then I slowly mover closer to it until I am an arm’s length away, and before I know it… I’m standing in the mouth of the monster and I don’t have to be afraid anymore. I don’t have to be afraid either because I succeeded, or I was just eaten up by the monster.. either way…. my fear of it is gone! Ha!

John and I worked at the same school for the five years before he died. His office was on the way to the cafeteria from my room, and we often had lunch during the same half hour block (honestly, it was most likely because all of the kids were eating or outside at recess) so we would eat together. I’d sit in his office and we would talk about normal stuff, what’s for supper, who’s picking up the girls, can you believe how great the Brewers/Rams are doing? Normal married couple chatter. After John died, his office became a monster. It would growl as I walked around the corner, it would bare it’s teeth if I walked to close, and I was afraid. The kind of afraid where your heart races, your palms get sweaty, and you go a little pale.

So, out of sheer hunger ( you were thinking that I was going to say sheer determination? Well, remember, I had to pass his office to get to the cafeteria. And I forgot to make myself a lunch so I was more hungry than determined!), out of sheer hunger, I acknowledged the monster and quickly walked by, regaining my normal pace after I was clear of the office door. This went on for awhile, until one day I looked into the mouth of the monster as I walked by. It looked different inside from what I had remembered. A woman had taken over John’s job and she had made the messy, disorganized “man space,” of an office into a clean and organized space. It looked very different!

After several months, I actually walked into the office and spoke with the new school counselor. I told her that if she noticed me acting strangely as I walked by, that it had nothing to do with her. I explained why I was acting the way I had. She hugged me and seemed grateful that I had shared this.

On my trip, there were countless times that I did things to acknowledge and tame different monsters and this weekend I will do it again. On Friday, on the one year anniversary of John’s death, I have made plans to return to the hospital where he died. On Saturday I will attend a remembrance ceremony for families of organ donors of the past year. I’ve made plans to go a day earlier, on the one year anniversary of John’s

death to meet with two of the amazing doctors and a hospital staff member in order to thank them for their help on that day. They were there for me, running out of their clinic appointments to find me in the hospital and just BE with me when they were given the news. I wasn’t able to thank them for this at the time of John’s death, so Friday seems like the perfect day. I will walk into that building for the first time in a year, my heart will race, my palms will be sweaty, and I will turn a bit pale. And then on Saturday, I will honor John’s gift of eyesight.

With the combination of events, and the location….. I feel like I’m actually following both pieces of advice at the same time.. I will be stepping outside of my comfort zone and into the mouth of the monster, and I will be gentle with myself.

More to come.

If you, or someone you care about is dealing with grief, here are some tips for coping with grief from people who are dealing with it themselves!