What Widowhood, Anxiety, and PTSD Really Mean

In August, 2015, my mother broke through the fog of Alzheimer’s Disease that had left her believing that I was either her sister or a college roommate for many months. She was in the hospital once again, after a summer of ER visits, falls, and various other medical issues. She fought through that confusion and looked me directly in the eye. I instantly recognized that it was her. Through clenched teeth she told me, “Just let me die!”

And, as her medical power of attorney, I did. She was moved into a hospice facility and two weeks later she was gone.

Exactly two months later, my aunt, her sister, went into the hospital after having been ill. A few days later she died.

Seven months later, my father-in-law wasn’t feeling well and was admitted into the hospital. He was moved to a nursing home for rehabilitation and the night before his team was to meet to discuss the next steps, he peacefully died in his sleep.

Four months later, my husband’s uncle died, then another six months later my cousin died from cancer. A month after that, another cousin’s life partner also died from cancer, almost on the exact day that MY husband was being diagnosed with his rare cancer. Five months after being diagnosed, my husband died.

Of course these events have had a lasting effect on me. My younger daughters became fearful that something would happen to ME. My youngest decided that when people were admitted to the hospital, it meant that they would die. And from her life experiences, that had been true.

My family navigated a new life together, a life missing so much of what we expected would be there, a life that left us scarred from the trauma of so many medical situations with traumatic endings in such a short period of time. But we found joy. We found laughter. We struggled. We cried. We yelled, and we celebrated – each when it was appropriate.

Grief is not something that is overcome. It is something that is carried with a person forever. The person learns how to carry it and learns how to live around it. Moments of joy are still laced with the sorrow that your person is not there.

After three years, we were in a pretty good place. We had learned to ride the waves of grief, learned to find and savor moments of joy, and learned to move forward in a life we never asked for. My health was fine, and I had kept all of my routine appointments. Until covid happened and I was fearful of going into any medical facility, no matter how safe I knew that they would be.

And then, I got sick. Really sick. The sickest I have been since losing all of those people in my life. I will spare you all of the details – but my age means that I am going through perimenopause. I’ve been dealing with what I think are perimenopausal symptoms for months. On top of that, I got an infection, and probably a stomach bug at the same time. My IBS started acting up. All of these things were further aggravated as I was trying to deal with the stress of an uncertain job future. My one year contract ends in a month, and I have no idea what I will do for a job. I know I will find something, but I don’t know what that something will be.

For the first time in my life, I had a panic attack. Right at the checkout line in the grocery store. I managed to get home. I was riddled with daily anxiety. I was trapped in my bed, unable to eat or drink for days because of the infection, the stomach pain, and the stress. I was petrified. I spent days laying in my bed, the same bed that my husband rested in as he battled cancer. A cancer that quickly took his life. My mind was filled with the memories of all of those family members who had suddenly died. Whether my thoughts were rational or not, they were real. And I’m still dealing with them.

I’ve made several doctor’s appointments, I’ve gone through several screening tests, and so far there is nothing of serious concern. This has helped, but I still struggle with anxiety. That is what PTSD does, it lays dormant until an event (or events) trigger it, and then a viscous cycle of anxiety, grief, fear, and darkness settle in.

I share this experience because so many people think that after someone has died, life eventually goes back to normal. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Am I physically fine? Probably? Maybe? I hope so? The next few weeks will hopefully continue to bring medical information that calms my mind from the fear that I’m dealing with something life threatening. Only time will tell, and each day is long and scary.

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How to deal with anxiety, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America:

1. Take a time-out
2. Eat well-balanced meals
3. Limit alcohol and caffeine
4. Get enough sleep
5. Exercise daily
6. Take deep breaths
7. Count to 10 slowly
8. Do your best
9. Accept that you cannot control everything
10. Welcome humor
11. Maintain a positive attitude
12. Get involved
13. Learn what triggers your anxiety
14. Talk to someone

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If you, or someone you care about is dealing with grief, here are some tips for coping with grief from people who are dealing with it themselves!

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Our ClassCee Life provides general educational information from someone who has experienced great loss. You should not substitute information on the Our ClassCee Life website for professional advice.