2018…..An Accomplishment

“A Conversation”

sung by Michael Banks in Mary Poppins Returns

“I’ll carry on the way you told me
I say that like I have a choice.
And though you are not here to hold me,
In the echoes I can hear your voice.”

So, I find myself back here, sitting in my bedroom with my standard cup of coffee on the table next to me. Taking a day of rest after an all too brief jaunt across the country to surround my body and soul with the things it needs most desperately in order to carry on. Some salt air, a beach, good food and even better people……all of these things have hopefully nurtured me enough so that I can carry on with my daily life for a few more months until the next adventure.

And as I sit here, I find myself thinking and reflecting on the typical question that comes up at this time of the year …… “What did you accomplish in the past year?”
For me? I drew breath. I awoke each day to find my heart pumping and my lungs filling with air. And in thinking back to what I truly accomplished the past year I find that:

I lived a complete calendar year without you…

I lived without your smile, your laugh

I lived without your soul

I lived without the touch of your hand on mine

I lived without your guidance

I lived without your special treats that just “jumped into the cart”

I lived without your terrible sense of direction

I lived without Sunday morning coffee in bed

I lived without catching you watching me

I lived without cooking your favorite meals

I lived without hoping you would get up first in the morning

I lived without having you to share my joys with

I lived without having you to share my sorrows with

I lived without you next to me, beside me

I lived without YOU

I lived without

I lived

I used to think that I knew a lot about grief. Having lost so many people when I was young, I thought that I really understood how to live with the gaping hole of grief that was left behind after losing a parent, after losing an only grandparent, a friend, and others. I thought that I understood. I thought that I knew exactly what to say to help others when they found themselves in that place.

I would say things that I thought were helpful. “He is still with you,” or, “She sees what you have done,” or simply, “they know.” Those things helped me to live through the loss of a parent who was lost, but never forgotten. Hopefully these things will help my children as they also grieve the loss of a parent taken too soon.

“The Place Where Lost Things Go” sung by Mary Poppins

“So when you need his touch
And loving gaze
Gone but not forgotten
Is the perfect phrase.

Smiling from a star
That he makes glow
Trust he’s always there
Watching as you grow
Find him in the place
Where the lost things go.”

As family that has loved Mary Poppins for decades, we were excited to be together over Christmas and to be able to watch “Mary Poppins Returns.” Having no idea what the plot was, I found myself in tears as a grown Michael, now a widower with three young children, found himself not only trying to save their home, but also trying to find a way to live after the loss of his spouse. I cried as he sang to his wife, having a conversation about how difficult every little thing has become without her, and I cried when the children were taught that their mother wasn’t lost, but merely out of place and able to see all of their accomplishments, and I cried at the final song…

Losing a spouse is SO different from losing a parent. I thought that I understood loss and grief. I thought of myself, in a sick way, as a sort of “expert,” but it turns out I am humbled once again. I know nothing. I find a way to fill each day, I find a way to exist, I find a way to live. That has been my year.

“Nowhere to Go But Up” – Mary Poppins Returns

“The past is the past
It lives on as history
And that’s an important thing.
The future comes fast
Each second a mystery
For nobody knows what
Tomorrow may bring.”

For me… there truly is nowhere to go…… but up.

May 2019 bring more seconds of joy to us all.

If you would like to go RVing, here’s Everything You Need To Know!

If you, or someone you care about is dealing with grief, here are some tips for coping with grief from people who are dealing with it themselves!