Is It Really OK?

After my parents died, and again after my in-laws died, I found myself living life in ways that I thought would make them proud. The choices I made were always made with a sense of honoring them and hoping, rather than knowing, that they would approve. I sought joy in life to honor the life they had lived, and thought of each one often as I moved through the hours, days ,weeks, and months of my life.

But when you lose the one person who you share that joy with, it’s different. When you lose seven family members in the span of 26 months, your world comes crashing down around you. You are alone. I am alone. So very alone. The people I would have turned to in the past to share joys and sorrows with are gone. My parents. My in-laws. My cousin. My husband. Every day, people ask, “How are you?” as an informal cultural greeting. They expect to hear the acceptable reply of, “I’m fine. How are you?” It doesn’t matter if I am truly fine or not…..this is the greeting. But what do you say when you are NOT fine? Most likely, the other person doesn’t want to hear how I truly feel, that each breath is an effort, that moving or simply getting out of bed is a daily victory. That reminders haunt every moment of my day.

I’ve tried to reply with “Fine,” while thinking of a different meaning…

F- Flipping (F*#king is the real word)

I-Insecure

N-Neurotic and

E- Emotional

This has helped, but being asked how I am is still infuriating, even though it is asked with kindness. How am I? I have lost everyone who was my support. My family will never be the same. I will never be the same. Life will never be the same. How do you think I am?

I have two new ways of trying to deal with this. One new tactic is to avoid the question. I reply with, “How are you?” without actually saying anything myself. Most people just answer and move on, but some people will answer and then ask ME again. “How are you?” UGH. I’m terrible. My life is forever changed in ways that I didn’t want. Ways that I didn’t ask for. My life is changed forever in ways that I don’t deserve.

The other tactic I use is to try to great people first. If I can say, “It’s good to see you,” I”m telling the truth and the acceptable greeting in return from them is to say the same. The question of “How are you,” doesn’t come up. But I have to be quick and alert every day and sometimes, if I am distracted or a little groggy, I’m faced with the other person greeting with my least favorite question again.

So each day, I open my eyes to realize that I have another day to live through, I win the battle of getting up and preparing for the day, get my kids ready and off to school and myself off to work. And live. It IS really OK, because there is no other choice. It HAS to be OK. It’s not great, it’s not wonderful, it’s not even FINE. It’s just OK.

If you, or someone you care about is dealing with grief, here are some tips for coping with grief from people who are dealing with it themselves!