The Truth About Grief Over Time
Many people will offer platitudes about grief. “Give yourself time,” “This too shall pass,” “He/she is no longer in pain.” and on and on. People mean well when they say these things, but to those who have suffered a significant loss, these words are often more hurtful than helpful. Many people, I have learned, have not had to understand how grief affects people over time.
For a long time I thought that I really understood grief and how it changed over time. My trauma resume was quite extensive, even as a young child. And I believed that things DID get better as time passed. I believed that those we lost were “still with us” in some way and that these feelings of still being connected to one another after death could sustain us for the days, weeks, months and even years to come.
Then, my entire support system died within 26 months. Seriously, my mother, my father-in-law, cousins, and then my husband. All of them died in a little more than two years. And I was left feeling the most powerfully aching loss. I really had no idea what true grief was until this happened to me. You can read about those losses by Clicking HERE.
Now, a few years later, I’ve realized the truth about grief thanks to two different women who I don’t think have ever met one another. I put their two theories together and came up with something that I think truly fits. I share the theories through my own little story in the video below. One of the women, Cate, a psychotherapist from the UK, showed how grief touches every part of our life and how it really doesn’t go away with time. This video came out in 2018.
Then, a year later, Lauren Herschel described grief on a Twitter post that went viral. She used the idea of a ball and a box. By putting these two ideas together, I’ve found a way to describe how grief really behaves over time.
Click the video below!
So, DOES Time Really Heal All Wounds?
The fast answer? Hell, no!
Sure, time will heal your infected ingrown toenail, and time will heal the cut on your finger, but grief? I don’t believe that time heals this. I really never have. And sadly, I have come to consider myself somewhat of an expert on this. While I haven’t earned a PhD from an ivy league college on grief studies, my life has forced me to learn about this since I was a young girl. If some ivy league college reads this post and decides that they would like to bestow an honorary PhD to me, I would graciously accept!
Myths about Grief Over Time
There are so many myths about grief, and I believed many of them to be true. Until now. Here are just a few:
Grief happens in stages.
Remember the stages of grief? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance? People often think that grief follows these stages, or they may think that grief can bounce around between these different stages. When Dr. Kubler-Ross developed these stages years ago, they were developed for the person who was dying. They were determined to be the stages of grief when facing your own death, not for living with the grief of having lost someone else. Also interesting is that later in her life, Dr. Kubler-Ross said that these stages weren’t an accurate reflection for those facing their own death, either. Does this come as a surprise to you? Yes, it did to me, too!Grief does not follow a set of rules. How one person grieves is not how everyone should or will grieve. Grief is a personal journey with no signs pointing the person in the right direction. Everyone grieves in their own way.
If you’re not crying, you are not really grieving.
There are so many ways to express one’s emotions. In some cultures, crying is something that should not be expressed in front of others, it is hidden. People cry for many different reasons, and those dealing with grief may cry no more or less than another person. Basing a measurement of how much someone is grieving by how much they are crying is not very reliable. Some people may show their grief in other ways that are not visible as easily as tears can be. Men may be expected to be “strong” or act “tough” and therefore may hold tears back, yet be experiencing heavy grief.
People struggling with grief need to just “get over it.”
These words are so harmful to someone who is grieving. Truthfully, one can never “get over” the loss of a loved one. They also cannot “move on,” from it. With the right supports, attitudes, and with the right activities a person can “move forward” with their grief. Studies have shown that grief continues after the first year, after 5 years, after 10 years, and even after 50 years. Those who have managed to live successfully with their grief have learned how to include it in their life without it taking over. It is a life long endeavor to learn how to do this.
If you, or someone you care about is dealing with grief, here are some tips for coping with grief from people who are dealing with it themselves!
Our ClassCee Life provides general educational information from someone who has experienced great loss. You should not substitute information on the Our ClassCee Life website for professional advice.
