How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day When Your Valentine is… Well… Dead!
My husband really liked Valentines’ Day. I think that one of the reasons he liked Valentine’s Day is because, like about a million other men around the world, he proposed on this holiday. I always teased him that it wasn’t a real proposal because we basically had finished a nice meal at a fancy restaurant when he looked up at me and asked, “So, do you want to go look at rings after dinner?”
And I responded, “Yeah, sure. Why not?
Not the stuff of romantic movies, that’s for sure!
After that, he always made Valentine’s Day special for me. Maybe he was trying to make up for the crappy proposal, I don’t know. I do know that he loved to buy me gifts that I really wanted for Valentine’s Day. He usually got strange looks at the office when the guys would sit around to compare notes on the gifts that they had purchased for their wives. When other men talked of buying flowers or jewelry or candy, my husband bragged that he had gotten me something like a fishing pole, a camping table, or a pair of rollerblades.
“That’s not romantic,” they guys would tell him. “You’d better get her flowers or chocolate!”
He would then explain to them that I didn’t like flowers because the smell of them reminded me of a funeral, and they ended up dying, a waste of money in my eyes. He also explained that while I liked chocolate, he had purchased things that I actually had asked for. I loved that.
And then, he died. If you are interested in reading the story of the day he died, you can read Part 1 and Part 2.
So I was facing my first Valentine’s Day as a widow, and I had Big Plans. I was incredibly busy planning a 13,800 mile 83 day trip around the country in my RV to try and heal from all of the losses my family had suffered when I realized that I wanted some things.
So, I bought my own Valentine’s Day gifts! And you can, too!
1. Buy yourself a Valentine’s Day gift!
I wanted a nice backpack for hiking and carrying all of my stuff once the trip was over. I don’t use a purse anymore. When my husband became confined to a wheelchair, my purse became giant nuisance as it constantly slid off of my shoulder. I had been using an old, ugly backpack and now thought that a new, luxurious one would be the perfect Valentine’s Day gift to myself. I also wanted an atlas and a selfie stick.
Romantic? No. But perfect for ME!
So, I quickly placed the order on Amazon, and I have been doing this every year since then! This year, I’m buying myself some expensive strings for my violin and a National Parks hydroflask! Hardly romantic to most, but exactly what my husband would have bought for me if he were still here. And exactly what I want.
You can do this, too! Maybe you want flowers, or chocolate, or the latest designer something, maybe you want some trendy shoes or a spa day! Treat yourself to the perfect Valentine’s Day gift!
This may help you to feel more normal on a day that others are celebrating. If everyone around you begins to talk about what they got for Valentine’s Day, you will have something to share, too!
2. Stay Off of Social Media!
Keep your phone off of Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter on this day! Seriously! Don’t look at Pinterest or any of the other social media sites. Try to avoid all of the posts across social media platforms on every holiday. I stay away from them because they are filled with reminders of what I wish that I still had. What I wish had not been ripped away from me.
Looking at the happy faces of couples celebrating together just makes me hurt, so I avoid it on these kinds of days.
3.Cope Ugly!
I recently heard the phrase, “cope ugly,” and have instantly become a huge fan! It’s the perfect stamp of approval to let those feelings out! George Bonanno, a professor of clinical psychology at Teacher’s College of Columbia University who studies the idea of resilience when faced with trauma and loss coined the phrase many years ago.
It basically means that the work of grief doesn’t have to be pretty. In fact, it is quite ugly. Don’t be afraid to let yourself cry, wail, or scream. Find a safe place to let your feelings out, you may end up feeling a lot better afterwards.
4. Create your own rituals.
Valentine’s Day, like most holidays, is filled with tradition and rituals. Men buy women flowers, chocolate, or jewelry. Couples go out together and have a nice meal and possibly attend an event afterwards. Maybe you and your loved one shared some special rituals for the day. If those rituals are now a trigger for anxiety or depression, find a new tradition for the day. Here are some ideas!
5. Honor your loved one.
You can find something meaningful to do to honor your Valentine on this day. This may give the day new purpose for you and bring more positive thoughts throughout the holiday. February is Heart Awareness Month which is a perfect time to make a blood donation in honor of your loved one. Maybe you would like to plant a tree, or volunteer to help out with a cause that was important to your loved one. This could become a new ritual for you on the holiday!
How To Help a Widowed Friend
Maybe you know someone who has become widowed and you would like to help them get through the day. First, let me say, “Thank you!” Widows and widowers are often forgotten in the months following a funeral when everyone else’s life returns to the normal routine. Their life, however, will never be the same. They are forced to chug along. On the outside it may appear as though they have it all together, there are many moments when they find themselves coping ugly. It isn’t pretty and it isn’t something that you, “get over.”
Here are some small things that you can do to help your widowed friend feel noticed and remembered on this holiday.
- Send them a card. Send them a Valentine’s Day card and write a note in it telling them that you are thinking of them on this day. Explain why they are special to you.
- Offer handyman or handywoman services. As a widowed person, every repair task on the old “honey do list” falls to just them. Household repairs can pile up and become daunting. Offer to repair that front door, clean the gutters, or freshen up their yard. They will be grateful for the help and the company.
- Gift card. These are always the perfect gift. Your widowed friend can use it to get themselves something special, like a National Park hydroflask!
- Babysitting services. If your widowed friend has young children, or even older ones, offer to take the kids for an evening or for the day! Give that person the gift of time for themselves without having to worry about their kids. For me, this rarely happens and any few moments of escape become precious!
Need some advice on how to help children with their grief? Click HERE!
No matter what happens, you will get through yet another holiday as a widowed person. I hope that you find a way to make the day the best that it can be, either for yourself or for your widowed friend!
Our ClassCee Life provides general educational information from someone who has experienced great loss. You should not substitute information on the Our ClassCee Life website for professional advice.
If you, or someone you care about is dealing with grief, here are some tips for coping with grief from people who are dealing with it themselves! I asked groups of widows and widowers to share what has worked for them, and this post contains their answers!
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