How to Help Children with Grief

Grief is something that will happen to all of us during our lifetime. We will lose a parent, a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle. Often, these losses also occur to children. They may lose a parent, a sibling, or a close friend.

Kids are resilient, it is true, but this does not mean that they are not affected by grief and loss. Here are some ways that you can help children with grief.

Here are some ways to help a child deal with grief:

Be open and honest. Depending upon the age of the child, explain how the loss happened. Be sure to be honest and use words like “died” and “death,” but try to explain things in a way that is not too overwhelming for your child.  Stick to the facts.

Using terms liked “passed away” or “left us” is confusing for children, they may think the person has taken a trip, or worse, abandoned them. Explain what happened clearly. The person’s body stopped working and it will not work again. This is what happened to the person’s body. That leaves discussions about what happens to the soul as something you can explain separately and according to your own beliefs.

Let them know that their feelings are OK!You are a safe place for your child. While you cannot protect them from their grief, you can help them handle their emotions. Let them know that their feelings are OK. Helping a child with their grief means that they need to know it is OK to feel the way that they do.

Share your feelings.Let them see YOU grieve. When my mother died, my children watched me grieve her loss. When my father-in-law died, they watched their father cry. When my husband died, we all cried together.
We shared our tears. We shared our anger. We shared our shock and confusion about why this was happening to us. We grieved together. Even months and years after the loss, when they saw me crying, they would ask, “Are you missing daddy?” And I would be honest with them about how I was feeling.

Be with them. Probably one of the most important ways to help anyone with their grief is to simply be with them. For children, this is no less important. Hold them. Don’t let them feel alone. Cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie together. Go for walks.

After my family lost seven family members in just 26 months, the final loss being my husband, we were left feeling lost and confused. I quickly decided to take a major trip in my RV with my two youngest daughters. I picked some places that I had planned to visit with my husband, and some others that I had wanted to go to myself and we packed up the RV. The trip was 83 days long and covered 13,800 miles. We spent a lot of time in national parks and felt the healing power of nature. Click HERE to read my “Must See Stops” series to learn more about those destinations and some of the transformations and healing that took place.

Answer questions Children naturally have a lot of questions. When someone they love dies, they are filled with many questions about what happened. Answer them as honestly as possible in a way that is understandable to your child at their current age.

As they grow up, they will continue to have questions, and their questions will become more mature as they mature. To help a child manage their grief over time, continue to answer those questions. Let your child know that this is a topic that is OK to talk about at any time.

Share memories My own father died when I was seven years old. So, I have experienced the loss of a father as a child and now I am raising my children through the loss of their father. My mother would talk about my father often, sharing the same stories over and over. I never tired of them, even when I was an adult. It helped me to understand who he was, and figure out what parts of my own character may have come from him. It kept him alive for me.

I try to do the same for my girls. We talk about their dad. We remember his silliness, his kindness. We remember his lack of rhythm and tone-deafness. We laugh and cry as we share stories. Sometimes, it is hard to share stories, we feel the pain of the loss all over again. Do the best that you can while still being gentle with yourself. Helping your child with their grief can also help us with our own.

Talk to Others I went to counseling after my husband died. I had lived through a lot of trauma prior to his death and the ultimate trauma was losing him. After awhile, my youngest girls joined me in counseling. Speaking with a professional who is experienced in grief counseling is a great way to help children with grief.

It’s also nice to talk with others who have gone through grief. There are many resources for children who are grieving. This post on the Everplans website lists several options.

One thing that helped me as a grieving child was to talk about my father at family events. I would ask others to share stories about my father, so that I could learn new things about him and see him from a perspective that was different from my mother’s. When my husband died, I asked his co-workers to share memories and experiences that they had with him so that my girls would be able to have more stories about their father.

Grief is a difficult thing to manage, even as adults. As children, it can be even more confusing and emotional. By being open and honest, sharing your feelings of grief and letting your child know that their feelings are OK, by sharing your memories, talking to others, and just being together, you can help children with grief.

If you, or someone you care about is dealing with grief, here are some tips for coping with grief from people who are dealing with it themselves!

Our ClassCee Life provides general educational information from someone who has experienced great loss. You should not substitute information on the Our ClassCee Life website for professional advice.