This Is My October
October is an emotionally charged month for me. It never was before. October used to be one of my favorite times, the changing leaves, the falling temperatures, taking hikes without the bugs of summer. Camping when the summer crowds had left the campgrounds. Curling up in bed and finally being able to pull all of the covers up to my neck. Lighting candles to warm the darkness of earlier nightfall.
But now, that time of beautiful transition pokes at the scars of my grief. Starting in mid-September, my body begins to go through what is now it’s annual process of stomach cramps, heart palpitations, and frequent trips to the bathroom due to bowel issues. (yeah… I’m not afraid to be that real)
The first year, I thought I was getting cancer. Colon cancer was my guess. I was scared that I would have to go through chemo and radiation and weeks and months of illness without my husband to hold my hand. I started taking OTC medications for some of the systems and told myself that if I wasn’t better by Halloween, I would make an early appointment with my doctor. By Halloween, my body had pretty much returned to normal.
So this year I was better prepared. But the heart palpitations and bowel symptoms still scare me, plus I have a new symptom! How exciting! Eczema has suddenly returned, and I have found patches all over my body. I typically get this during periods of high stress. When I was care-giving for my mother, my hands were so raw from it that I couldn’t make a fist or hold things. Oddly enough, I didn’t have any symptoms during John’s illness or after his death. I also didn’t have any symptoms when recently dealing with the severe behaviors related to my daughter’s mental health issues.
So why now? Of course, I’m still trying to convince myself that the small patch of scaly skin on the brown freckle/mole thing I found on my scalp is NOT cancer. This time I’m guessing skin cancer. I don’t remember seeing this mole before and I have no one to show it to who has known my well enough or long enough to say, “Come on, Kristyn… that’s always been there.” So of course, it’s cancer. Except that it’s probably not. Hopefully not. Or is it? This is my October.
This is the cruelty of my new October. The month that used to mean beauty which now means death and brings all of the trauma of that time of two years ago back into my body. Yahrzeit. Even nature dies at this time. The trees cry their own tears of leaves and I’m left to pick those up along with my own. This is my October.
And tomorrow, that transition out of this month of anguish will take it’s turn…. my daughter’s birthday…. a day that the tide begins shifting. A day to celebrate. A day to work out the final kinks of this annual death anniversary reaction for which I seem to have no control.
The symptoms have already started to improve, except for the eczema/cancer. Grief is real. Trauma is real. Both live on and wreak havoc on our souls. Sometimes their destructive tendencies can be predicted, such as on a yahrzeit, and other times they seem to lurk around the corner, jumping out and surprising us. They leave us, fallen in fear on our knees, both hearts and breath racing, trying to climb out of the darkness yet again.
This is my October.
If you, or someone you care about is dealing with grief, here are some tips for coping with grief from people who are dealing with it themselves!
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