The Five Things I Have Learned Since Becoming a Widow – The Fifth Thing – Distract Yourself
Immediately after my husband died I found myself trapped, stuck, frozen. It was hard to breathe and it was hard to physically move. I didn’t want to do anything except lay in bed, stare out the window, and cry. I knew that I couldn’t live the rest of my life like this, but I had NO IDEA how to help myself. These were the early days of grief.
Another issue that I had to face was taking care of my two youngest daughters who were 9 and 11 when their father died. They still needed to go to school and wear clean clothes. And each day I had to figure out something to do for meals, because they also had to eat.
As those early days went on, I spent a lot of time laying in bed, trying to figure out how I would deal with my life. I had to figure out how to move forward with this new life I had, the life I already hated, the life I didn’t ask for, the life I didn’t want. I started small.
Set Small Goals
One thing that many people don’t realize is that when you lose your life partner, especially if they were young, or if it was a sudden loss, there may be A LOT of paperwork left behind. This was true for me. Hospital bills, medical equipment bills, life insurance policies, social security for my young daughters, each day the pile of paperwork on my kitchen table would grow larger and larger.
Filling out that paperwork meant that I had to write my late husband’s name, the day he was born, AND the day he died over and over and over and over. Each time I was forced to do this, it brought me to tears and made breathing difficult all over again. The only way that I could get through this was to have very small expectations for myself. So, I decided to set daily small goals for myself.
Seriously SMALL!
I would give myself ONE thing that needed to be done each day. Some days, that ONE THING was to cook dinner! That was it! That was enough! Cook a quick and easy meal and celebrate my accomplishment! Some days the ONE THING I had as my goal would be to get dressed. Honestly! I got dressed and celebrated THAT accomplishment! I lived like this for several months. Then I needed something different to help me get through each day. I needed to find some healthy distractions.
Find Healthy Distractions
I started writing, something that had always been a way for me to deal with the many losses I have had in my life. I also listened to music and tried to find movies that wouldn’t immediately involve either cancer or death (NOT an easy task! Go ahead and try!)
Finding healthy ways to get your brain thinking about something else, even if only for a few moments at a time can really help. Especially when your grief is new and overwhelming…… healthy distractions help. A lot! Here is a list of some things that you could try!
Some Ideas To Help Distract Yourself
- paint
- write
- spend time with the people you love
- travel
- listen to music
- play a musical instrument
- read something inspiring
- meditate
- exercise
- help others
- do puzzles, jigsaw, word, number, etc.
- learn something new
- do a chore around your house that you have been putting off
- go shopping
- practice mindfulness
One of the first things that I did to distract myself was to play my violin. I had played violin for fourteen years in different groups as a child and young adult, but when my first daughter was born, I put it down and didn’t pick it up again. My husband and my mother both urged me to play again, as did my kids, but I didn’t have the desire. At my husband’s funeral, a good friend who happens to be the local high school band director, asked me if I would be willing to play violin for the high school musical orchestra pit. He gave me purpose, he gave me a new distraction. You can read about that story HERE.
Spend Time In Nature
Another major distraction for me was to get out in nature. My husband and I had loved camping during our 26 year marriage. We had shared our love of camping and the outdoors with many others. I happen to live in the woods, so I’m surrounded by the beauty of nature and can escape to dozens of local lakes for even more beauty in a few minutes.
According to recent studies, one by the University of East Anglia in the UK, spending time in nature and green spaces can reduce stress, high blood pressure, and alleviate many other health conditions. This is something many have instinctively known and has been a common source of dealing with grief for a very long time.
In 1884, Theodore Roosevelt lost both his mother and his wife on the same day…in the same house. His wife died from complications of childbirth, after delivery a baby girl. He was so overcome by grief that he left the baby with his sister and set out West to change his life and spend time in nature in an attempt to heal himself. His lifetime love of nature and his time out west sparked his future conservation focus. As President of the United States, he became the “Conservation President,” and spent a lot of time with others who knew the powerful work of nature. One of those people was John Muir.
John Muir was a co-founder of the Sierra Club and spent much of his life advocating for the preservation of natural areas. His life changed many years earlier when a terrible accident nearly killed him. He lost his sight and was forced to live in complete darkness for several weeks while his eyes healed. After this, he dedicated his life to preserving natural beauty for others. He was considered the “Father of the National Parks.” He fought for Yosemite to be protected as a national park.
I didn’t know much about these two men before planning my own trip to deal with my own overwhelming grief. I visited 22 national parks. I sat alongside Crater Lake, touched the Redwoods, walked in the Virgin River of Zion, looked at petrified wood, touched dinosaur bones, had spectacular and unexpected views at Clingman’s Dome, and ate popovers at Jordan’s Pond in Acadia…. all on the same trip! I drove my two youngest daughters 13,800 miles around the country (literally) in 83 days in an attempt to heal from our multiple losses. You can see daily highlights from the 83 day trip on my Instagram page!
I have learned the power of nature first-hand and the power of travel. These and other healthy distractions have helped me so much – and I hope that you are able to find yours!
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Our ClassCee Life provides general educational information from someone who has experienced great loss. You should not substitute information on the Our ClassCee Life website for professional advice.
If you, or someone you care about is dealing with grief, HERE are some tips for coping with grief from people who are dealing with it themselves!
5 Things I Learned Since Becoming A Widow Series
- Organize, Organize, Organize
- Positive Self Talk
- Be Gentle With Yourself
- Facing “The Monsters”
- Distract Yourself
